"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie

• The most effective way to achieve success is through action. 
• Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business, yes, and that is also true if you are a housewife, architect or engineer. 
• The highest-paid personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about engineering. One can, for example, hire mere technical ability in engineering, accountancy, architecture or any other profession at nominal salaries. But the person who has technical knowledge, the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people--that person's headed for higher earning power. 
• Remember that the use of these principles can be made habitual only by a constant and vigorous campaign of review and application. 
• Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. 
• So, as you read this book, remember that you are not merely trying to acquire information. You are attempting to form new habits. 
• People don’t criticize themselves for anything, no matter how wrong it may be. 
• Criticism is futile because it puts a person on the defense and usually makes him strive to justify himself. Criticism is dangerous, because it wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts his sense of importance, and arouses resentment. 
• B.F. Skinner, the world-famous psychologist, proved through his experiments that an animal rewarded for good behavior will learn much more rapidly and retain what it learns far more effectively than an animal punished for bad behavior. Later studies have shown that the same applies to humans. By criticizing, we do not make lasting changes and often incur resentment. 
• When dealing with people let us remember we were not dealing with creatures of logic. We are dealing with creatures of emotion, creatures bristling with prejudices and motivated by pride and vanity. 
• Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain-and most fools do. But it takes character and self-control to be understanding and forgiving. 
• Instead of condemning people, let’s try to understand them. Let’s try to figure out why they do what they do. That’s a lot more profitable and intriguing than criticism; and it breeds sympathy, tolerance and kindness. 
• Principle 1:Don’t criticize, condemn or complain. 
• There is only one way under high heaven to get anybody to do anything. Did you ever stop to think of that? Yes, just one way. And that is by making the other person want to do it. 
• Dr. Dewey said that the deepest urge in human nature is “the desire to be important”. Remember that phrase: “the desire to be important”. 
• If you tell me how you get your feeling of importance, I’ll tell you what you are. That determines your character. That is the most significant thing about you. 
• We often take our spouses so much for granted that we never let them know we appreciate them. 
• To the long run, flattery will do you more harm than good. Flattery is counterfeit, and like counterfeit money, it will eventually get you into trouble if you pass it to someone else. 
• The difference between appreciation and flattery? That is simple. One is sincere and the other insincere. One comes from the heart out; the other from the teeth out. One is unselfish; the other selfish. One is universally admired; the other universally condemned. 
• When we are not engaged in thinking about some definite problem, we usually spend about 95 percent of our time thinking about ourselves. 
• One of the most neglaegtec virtues of our daily existence is appreciation. 
• Try leaving a friendly trail of little sparks of gratitude on your daily trips. You will be surprised how they will set small flames of friendship that will be rose beacons on your next visit. 
• Give honest, sincere appreciation. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise”, and people will cherish your words and treasure them and repeat them over a lifetime--repeat them years after you have forgotten them. 
• Give honest, sincere appreciation. 
• So the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it. 
• Every act you have ever performed since the day you were born was performed because you wanted something. 
• If there is any one secret of success, it lies in the ability to get the other person's point of view and see things from that person’s angle as well as from your own. 
• The world is full of people who are grabbing and self-seeking. So the rare individual who unselfishly tries to serve others has an enormous advantage. He has little competition. 
• Most people go through college and learn to read Virgil and master the mysteries of calculus without ever discovering how their own minds function. 
• To repeat Professor Overstreet’s wise advice: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. 
• When we have a brilliant idea, instead of making others think it is ours, why not let them cook and stir the idea themselves. They will then regard it as their own; they will like it and maybe east a couple of helpings of it. 
• Remember: First, arouse in the other person an eager want. He who can do this has the whole world with him. He who cannot walks a lonely way. 
• Arouse in the other person an eager want. 
• You can make more friend in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you. 
• People are not interested in you. They are interested in themselves--morning, noon and after dinner. 
• If we merely try to impress people and get people interested in us, we will never have many true, sincere friends. Friends, real friends, are not made that way. 
• If we want to make friends, let’s put ourselves out to do things for other people--things that require time, energy, unselfishness and thoughtfulness. 
• A show of interest, as with every other principles of human relations, must be sincere. 
• Become genuinely interested in other people. 
• The expression one wears on one’s face is far more important than the clothes one wears on one’s back. 
• Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, “I like you. You make me happy. I am glad to see you”. 
• You must have a good time meeting people if you expect them to have a good time meeting you. 
• Act as if you were already happy, and that will tend to make you happy. 
• Everybody in the world is seeking happiness-and there is one sure way to find it. That is by controlling your thoughts. Happiness doesn’t depend on outward conditions. It depends on inner conditions. 
• Smile. 
• Most people don’t remember names, for the simple reason that they don’t take the time and energy necessary to concentrate and repeat and fix names indelibly in their minds. 
• The ability to remember names is almost as important in business and social contacts as it is in politics. 
• We should be aware of the magic contained in a name and realize that this single item is wholly and completely owned by the person with whom we are dealing...and nobody else. 
• Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. 
• I had listened intently. I had listened because I was genuinely interest. And he felt it. Naturally that pleased him. That kind of listening is one of the highest compliments we can pay anyone. 
• There is no mystery about successful business intercourse...Exclusive attention to the person who is speaking to you is very important. Nothing else is so flattering as that. 
• Many people fail to make a favorable impression because they don’t listen attentively. 
• So if you aspire to be a good conversationalist, be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that others will enjoy answering. Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments. 
• Remember that the people you are talking to are a hundred times more interested in themselves and their wants and problems than they are in you and your problem. 
• Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves. 
• The royal road to a person’s heart is to talk about the things he or she treasures most. 
• Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties. 
• Talk in terms of the other person's interests. 
• There is one all-important law of human conduct. If we obey that law, we shall almost never get into trouble. In fact, that law, if obeyed, will bring us countless friends and constant happiness. But the very instant we break the law, we shall get into endless trouble. The law is this: Always make the other person feel important. 
• The unvarnished truth is that almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely. 
• “Talk to people about themselves”, said Disraeli, one of the shrewdest men who ever ruled the British Empire. “Talk to people about themselves and they will listen for hours.” 
• Make the other person feel important--and do it sincerely. 
• Nine times out of ten, an argument ends with each of the contestants more firmly convinced than ever that he is absolutely right. 
• You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. 
• Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him or her angry. 
• When one yells, the other should listen--because when two people yell, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations. 
• The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it. 
• If you are going to prove anything, don’t let anybody know it. Do it so subtly, so adroitly, that no one will feel that you are doing it. 
• There’s magic, positive magic, in such phrases as: “I may be wrong. I frequently am. Let’s examine the facts.” 
• You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broadminded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong. 
• Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride. And most citizens don’t want to change their minds about their religion or their haircut or communism or their favorite movie star. 
• I am convinced now that nothing good is accomplished and a lot of damage can be done if you tell a person straight out that he or she is wrong. You only succeed in stripping that person of self-dignity and making yourself an unwelcome part of any discussion. 
• Show respect for the other person's opinions. Never say, “You’re wrong”. 
• If we know we are going to be rebuked anyhow, isn’t it far better to beat the other person to it and do it ourselves? Isn’t it much easier to listen to self-criticism than to bear condemnation from alien lips? 
• Say about yourself all the derogatory things you know the other person is thinking or wants to say or intends to say--and say them before that person has a chance to say them. 
• There is a certain degree of satisfaction in having the courage to admit one’s errors. It not only clears the air of guilt and defensiveness, but often helps solve the problem created by the error. 
• Any fool can try to defend his or her mistakes--and most fools do--but it raises one above the herd and gives one a feeling of nobility and exultation to admit one’s mistakes. 
• If you are wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically. 
• Begin in a friendly way. 
• Get the other person saying “Yes, yes” at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying “No”. 
• Once having said a thing, you feel you must stick to it. Hence it is of the very greatest importance that a person be started in the affirmative direction. 
• Get the other person saying “yes, yes” immediately. 
• Most people trying to win others to their way of thinking do too much talking themselves. Let the other people talk themselves out They know more about their business and problems than you do. So ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things. 
• Letting the other person do the talking helps in family situations as well as in business. 
• Almost every successful person likes to reminisce about his early struggles. 
• Let the other person do a great deal of the talking. 
• No one likes to feel that he or she is being sold something or told to do a thing. We much prefer to feel that we are buying of our own accord or acting on our own ideas. We like to be consulted about our wishes, our wants, our thoughts. 
• Let the other person feel that the idea is his or hers. 
• Remember that other people may be totally wrong. But they don’t think so. Don’t condemn them. Any fool can do that. Try to understand them. Only wise tolerant, exceptional people even try to do that. 
• There is a reason why the other man thinks and acts as he does. Ferret out that reason--and you have the key to his actions, perhaps to his personality. 
• Try honestly to put yourself in his place. 
• Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view. 
• Wouldn’t you like to have a magic phrase that would stop arguments, eliminate ill feeling, create good will, and make the other person listen attentively? Yes? All right. Here it is: “I don’t blame you one iota for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.” 
• Three-fourths of the people you will ever meet are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you. 
• By sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires. 
• The fact is that all people you meet have a high regard for themselves and like to be fine and unselfish in their own estimation. 
• J. Pierpont Morgan observed, in one of his analytical interludes, that a person usually has two reasons for doing a thing: one that sounds good and a real one. 
• The person himself will think of the real reason. You don’t need to emphasize that. But all of us, being idealists at heart, like to think of motives that sound good. So, in order to change people, appeal to the nobler motives. 
• Nothing will work in all cases--and nothing will work with all people. If you are satisfied with the results you are now getting, why change? If you are not satisfied, why not experiment? 
• Appeal to the nobler motives. 
• This is the day of dramatization. Merely stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth has to be made vivid, interesting, dramatic. You have to use showmanship. The movies do it. Television does it. Any you will have to do it if you want attention. 
• You can dramatize your ideas in business or in any other aspect of your life. It’s easy. 
• Dramatize your ideas. 
• “The way to get things done,” said Schwab, “is to stimulate competition. I do not mean in a sordid, money-getting way, but in the desire to excel.” 
• “All men have fears, but the brave put down their fears and go forward, sometimes to death, but always to victory.” 
• That is what every successful person loves: the game. The chance for self-expression. The chance to prove his or her worth, to excel, to win. 
• Throw down a challenge. 
• It is always easier to listen to unpleasant things after we have heard some praise of our good points. 
• Begin with praise and honest appreciation. 
• Many people begin their criticism with sincere praise followed by the word “but” end ending with a critical statement. 
• This could be easily overcome by changing the world “but” to “and”. 
• Calling attention to one’s mistakes indirectly works wonders with sensitive people who may resent bitterly any direct criticism. 
• Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. 
• It isn't’ nearly so difficult to listen to a recital of your faults if the person criticizing begins by humbly admitting that he, too, is far from impeccable. 
• Admitting one’s own mistakes--even when one hasn’t corrected them--can help convince somebody to change his behavior 
• Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. 
• Asking questions not only makes an order more palatable, it often stimulates the creativity of the persons whom you ask. People are more likely to accept an order if they have had a part in the decision that caused the order to be issued. 
• Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. 
• Letting one save face! How important, how vitally important that is! And how few of us ever stop to think of it! We ride roughshod over the feelings of others, getting our own, finding fault, issuing threats, criticizing a child or an employee in front of others, without even considering the hurt to the other person’s pride. Whereas a few minutes’ thought, a considerate word or two, a genuine understanding of the other person’s attitude, would go so far toward alleviating the sting! 
• Even if we are right and the other person is definitely wrong, we only destroy ego by causing someone to lose face. 
• Let the other person save face. 
• Use of praise instead of criticism is the basic concept of B. F. Skinner’s teachings. This great contemporary psychologist has shown by experiments with animals and with humans that when criticism is minimized and praise emphasized, the good things people do will be reinforced and the poorer things will atrophy for lack of attention. 
• Everybody likes to be praised, but when praise is specific, it comes across as sincere--not something the other may be saying just to make one feel good. 
• Remember, we all crave appreciation and recognition, and will do almost anything to get it. But nobody wants insincerity. Nobody wants flattery. 
• Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise. 
• Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. 
• Tell your child, your spouse, or your employer that he or she is stupid or dumb at a certain thing, has no gift for it, and is doing it all wrong, and you have destroyed almost every incentive to try to improve. But use the opposite technique--be liberal with your encouragement, make the thing seem easy to do, let the other person know that you have faith in his ability to do it, that has undeveloped flair for it--and he will practice until the dawn comes in the window in order to excel. 
• Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. 
• Always make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. 
• This technique of giving titles and authority worked for Napoleon and it will work for you. 
• The effective leader should keep the following guidelines in mind when it is necessary to change attitudes or behavior. 
• Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person. 
• Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do. 
• Be empathetic. Ask yourself what is it the other person really wants. 
• Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest. 
• Match those benefits to the other person’s wants. 
• When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit. We could give a court order. 
• Make the other person happy about doing the thing you suggest. 
• A leader’s job often includes changing your people's attitudes and behavior. 
• The ability to speak is a shortcut to distinction. It puts a person in the limelight, raises one head and shoulders above the crowd. And the person who can speak acceptably is usually given credit for an ability out of all proportion to what he or she really possesses. 
• The way to develop self-confidence is to do the thing you fear to do and get a record of successful experiences behind you.