HOW TO TALK SO LITTLE KIDS WILL LISTEN by Joanna Faber and Julie King

• Sometimes simple survival is a good goal.
• The problem is, there’s just no good shortcut to getting a cooperative kid.
• The point is that we can’t behave right when we don’t feel right. And kids can’t behave right when they don’t feel right. If we don’t take care of their feelings first, we have little chance of engaging their cooperation.
• My guess is that some of your misery would be soothed if someone simply acknowledged and accepted your feelings.
• When their feelings are acknowledged, people feel relieved:
• TOOL #1: Acknowledge Feelings with Words
• The next time your kid says something negative and inflammatory, follow these steps:
• 1. Grit your teeth and resist the urge to immediately contradict him!
• 2. Think about the emotion he is feeling
• 3. Name the emotion and put it in a sentence
• Good feelings can’t come in until the bad feelings are let out. If you try to stuff those bad feelings back in, they will marinate and become more potent.
• You are giving your child a crucial vocabulary of feelings that he can resort to in times of need.
• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
• Often a simple acknowledgment of the feeling is enough to defuse a potential meltdown.
• But a child’s emotions are just as real and important to him as our grown-up emotions are to us. The best way to help a child “get over it” is to help him go through it.
• The good thing about being a parent is that if you blow it the first time, you almost always get another chance.
• We do these things automatically—protect against sad emotions, dismiss what we see as trivial emotions, and discourage angry emotions.
• Without having their own feelings acknowledged first, children will be deaf to our finest explanations and most passionate entreaties.
• Children depend on us to name their feelings so that they can find out who they are.
• Children need us to validate their feelings so they can become grown-ups who know who they are and what they feel.
• Sit on those “buts.”
• It is so very tempting to follow up a perfectly lovely statement accepting a feeling with the word BUT.
• “But” takes away the gift you’ve just given.
• If you feel a but bubbling up, you can replace it with this handy sentence starter: The problem is . . .
• The problem is suggests that there is a problem that can be solved without sweeping away the feelings.
• Even though you know . . .
• Even though you know is not off-putting because it gives your child credit for understanding the problem, while at the same time letting him know that you empathize with how strongly he feels.
• TOOL #2: Acknowledge Feelings with Writing
• Seeing their feelings and desires written down in black and white can be very powerful, even for prereaders.
• It is satisfying to a kid to have a physical list of her desires.
• Writing down wishes is a different way to avoid a tantrum, without spoiling your child. Think of it as an opportunity to accept feelings while limiting actions.”
• Having their feelings acknowledged actually helps children accept that they can’t always get what they want.
• TOOL #3: Acknowledge Feelings with Art
• Sometimes words, written or spoken, are not enough to express a strong feeling. If you are feeling creative, try art. You don’t have to be Rembrandt—stick figures will do.
• Match the emotion. Be dramatic!
• There is nothing so infuriating as being told to calm down when you’re angry.”
• It’s important to be genuine when you acknowledge feelings. Nobody likes to feel manipulated. Reach inside and find that emotion. Be real!
• TOOL #4: Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality
• Sometimes a child wants something that it is impossible to provide. Your first impulse is usually to explain why she cannot, or should not, or must not have her heart’s desire. That’s the rational approach.
• A child in emotional distress is unlikely to be soothed by well-reasoned discourse.
• A terrific tool for moments like these is to give a child in fantasy what you can’t give in reality.
• Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
• Even gentle questions can feel like an interrogation when a child is in distress. He may not know why he is upset. He may not be able to express it clearly in words.
• By making a statement instead of asking a question, we accept the feelings without requiring any justification.
• TOOL #5: Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention (Don’t just say something. Sit there!)
• The important thing is to give them our full attention and trust them to work it out.
• REMINDER: Tools for Handling Emotions
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings with Words “You were looking forward to that playdate. How disappointing!” “It can be so frustrating when train tracks fall apart.”
• 2. Acknowledge Feelings with Writing “Oh no! We don’t have the ingredients we need! Let’s make a shopping list.” “You really want that underwater Lego set. Let’s write that down on your wish list.”
• 3. Acknowledge Feelings with Art “You seem so sad.” (Draw a stick figure with big tears, or simply hand over a crayon or pencil.) “You are this angry!” (Make angry lines or rip and crumple paper.)
• 4. Give in Fantasy What You Cannot Give in Reality “I wish we had a million billion more hours to play.”
• 5. Acknowledge Feelings with (Almost) Silent Attention “Ugh!” “Mmm.” “Ooh.” “Huh.”
• All feelings can be accepted. Some actions must be limited!
• Sit on those “buts.” Substitute: “The problem is . . .” or “Even though you know . . .”
• Match the emotion. Be dramatic!
• Resist the urge to ask questions of a distressed child.
• Endless reminding, nagging, cajoling, demanding. That’s the reality of being a parent.
• So our kids get told what to do. All day long. That’s the reality of being a kid.
• The problem is, nobody likes to be ordered around.
• We resist being told what to do. Direct orders provoke direct opposition.
• The problem with a threat is that it can come awfully close to sounding like a dare.
• The threat has become an irresistible challenge.
• TOOL #1: Be Playful
• The first tool I have for you is not one that can be used in all weather. You have to feel at least partly sunny. Even though it’s a part-time tool, I’m offering it to you as a first resort because of its unusually powerful effect. Let’s call it the art of being playful.
• One technique, sure to be a hit with the seven and under set, is to make an inanimate object talk.
• Another playful technique is to turn a boring task into a challenge or a game.
• TOOL #2: Offer a Choice
• The second tool for engaging cooperation is to substitute a choice for a command.
• I’m not suggesting that you make uncomfortable compromises or that you put a three-year-old in charge of the whole show. I’m just saying that human beings, including small ones, like to have some input and control over their lives. There are plenty of options we can offer our children, short of handing over the car keys and the credit card.
• And every time your child makes a small decision, she’s getting valuable practice for some of the bigger decisions she’ll be making down the road.
• Don’t turn a choice into a threat.
• When giving a choice, it’s important that both options are pleasant!
• TOOL #3: Put the Child in Charge
• Whenever you can put your child in charge of his own behavior, you come out ahead.
• Human beings of all ages yearn for autonomy and independence.
• As a parent you can define the job that needs to get done, but let your child be in charge of the details.
• Time is such a difficult concept for children to grasp.
• TOOL #4: Give Information
• You don’t always need elaborate preparation to put your child in the driver’s seat. Often it’s enough to give her simple information instead of an order. Here’s how it works. You give your child information. Then she has a chance to figure out for herself what to do.
• TOOL #5: Say It with a Word (or a Gesture)
• TOOL #6: Describe What You See
• Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
• Describe the progress that you see before pointing out what’s left to be done.
• TOOL #7: Describe How You Feel
• It can be helpful for a child to know what another person is feeling. Kids need to know when their parents or teachers are frightened, frustrated, or angry. It’s hard for them to figure out what’s going on when our words don’t match our emotions.
• When you describe how you feel, you’re not only giving children important information, you’re also modeling a vocabulary of emotions that they can use when they are frustrated, upset, or scared.
• When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
• When expressing annoyance, irritation, or anger, it’s important to banish the word you. The you is accusatory. As soon as a child hears you, he feels defensive.
• Kids often respond well when we give them the words they can use to get what they want.
• Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.
• Even if you use the perfect wording, it’s difficult for a young child to handle strong negative emotions from an adult.
• Save your outrage for those times when it is unavoidable.
• TOOL #8: Write a Note
• When you find yourself repeating the same plea again and again until you’re sick of your own voice, it may be time to write a note.
• TOOL #9: Take Action Without Insult
• None of these tools will work for every child in every situation. You’re still in charge of the zoo, and you do what you have to do to keep it afloat.
• Kids are exhausting. Little kids are exceptionally exhausting.
• Study after study has found that young children who are not constantly ordered around are much more likely to cooperate with simple requests from a parent—for example, cleaning up toys when asked—than children who are micromanaged and controlled much of the time. They’re also more likely to cooperate with another adult, such as a teacher, and more likely to follow rules when no adults are present to control them.
• Self-control can only be developed by practice, not by force!
• 1. Be Playful
• Make it a game. “Can we get all the cars into the box before the timer beeps? Ready . . . set . . . go!”
• Make inanimate objects talk. “I’m an empty sock. I need a foot in me!” • Use silly voices and accents. “I . . . am . . . your . . . robot . . . Must . . . buckle . . . seat . . . belt . . . now.”
• Pretend! “We need to climb this slippery mountain into the carseat.”
• Play the incompetent fool. “Oh dear, where does this sleeve go? Over your head? No? On the arm? This is so confusing! Thank you for helping me!”
• 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to hop to the tub like a bunny, or crawl to the tub like a crab?”
• 3. Put the Child in Charge “Johnny, would you set the timer and let us know when it’s time to leave?”
• 4. Give Information “Tissues go in the trash.”
• 5. Say It with a Word (or a Gesture) “Trash!”
• 6. Describe What You See “I see most of the blocks put away in the toy box. There are only a few blocks left to go.”
• 7. Describe How You Feel “I don’t like food thrown on the floor.”
• 8. Write a Note “Put me on your head before riding. Love, your bike helmet.”
• 9. Take Action Without Insult “I’m putting the paint away for now. I can’t let you splatter the other kids.”
• Don’t turn a choice into a threat. Make sure both options are acceptable to you and your child.
• Appreciate progress before describing what’s left to do.
• When expressing anger or frustration, use the word I, avoid the word you.
• Express strong anger sparingly. It can feel like an attack.
• When you’ve committed yourself to using punishment to solve a conflict and the punishment isn’t harsh enough to be effective, you’re in a dangerous position. You may find yourself locked in to using harsher and harsher punishments.
• Often a strong-willed child who is punished becomes more determined to defy authority.
• It is kind of stunning how much our kids really do want to emulate us. And how much they focus on our overall strategy. It’s a tired old phrase but true: children will do as you do, not as you say.
• TOOL #1: Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly!
• TOOL #2: Show Your Child How to Make Amends
• The quickest way to change a child’s behavior and attitude is to get him involved in fixing his mistake. The best way to inspire a child to do better in the future is to give him an opportunity to do better in the present. A punishment makes him feel bad about himself. Making amends helps him feel good about himself, and helps him to see himself as a person who can do good.
• TOOL #3: Offer a Choice
• Sometimes a youngster needs help to redirect his energy. A choice can help him move on to a more acceptable activity.
• TOOL #4: Take Action Without Insult
• We focus on safety and peace of mind for the present, and solutions for the future.
• Taking action to protect yourself and those around you is an essential life skill for adults and a powerful way to model for our children how to deal with conflict.
• TOOL #5: Try Problem-Solving
• One of the keys to successful problem solving is to wait for a time when the mood is right. It can’t be done in the midst of frustration and anger.
• The first step of problem-solving is to acknowledge your child’s feelings.
• The second step is to describe the problem.
• The third step is to ask for ideas.
• The fourth step is to decide which ideas you both like and cross out the ones that neither of you like.
• The last step is to try out your solutions.
• The beauty of problem-solving is that, unlike punishment, it offers endless possibilities. If you’re committed to punishment and your child continues to misbehave, all you can do is punish more severely.
• If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.
• When children are not ready to behave in a way that is safe for themselves and others, we default to managing the environment.
• Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.
• Avoid the temptation to solve their problem for them.
• Remove the disputed object temporarily.
• A reward is offered with an implied threat: If you don’t do what I say, you’ll miss out on something good.
• You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!
• Creating a family atmosphere of seeking solutions rather than inventing punishments will still stand you in good stead in the long run.
• There’s no telling what solution kids will come up with when a problem is put in their hands. When the solution is their own, it will usually work for them.
• As children become more independent it becomes harder to enforce punishments.
• When your children are out in the world you won’t be able to keep them safe by force. The most powerful tool you can wield is their sense of connection to you. The fact that you are willing to consider their feelings and solicit their opinions will keep their hearts and minds open to your feelings and opinions.
• REMINDER: Tools for Resolving Conflict
• 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly! “HEY, I don’t like to see people being pushed!”
• 2. Show Your Child How to Make Amends “Your sister got scared on the top of the slide. Let’s do something to make her feel better. Do you want to offer her some pretzels? Do you think she’d like to play with your sand bucket?”
• 3. Offer a Choice “We’re going to give the slide a rest for now. I can see you’re in no mood to wait for a turn. You can swing on the swings or you can play in the sandbox. You decide.”
• 4. Take Action Without Insult “We’re heading home. We’ll try the playground another day. I’m too worried about children getting hurt right now.”
• 5. Try Problem-Solving
• Step One: Acknowledge your child’s feelings “I can see that you don’t like your hand held in the parking lot. It makes your fingers feel squeezed.”
• Step Two: Describe the problem “The problem is, I worry about cars hitting children in the parking lot.”
• Step Three: Ask for ideas “We need some ideas so we can go back to the park and have a good time without people getting mad or scared. What can we do?”
• Step Four: Decide which ideas you both like “So you like the idea of holding on to my sleeve and leading me to the playground. Let’s circle that one.”
• Step Five: Try out your solutions “Here we are at the parking lot. Grab my sleeve and show me which way to go!”
• If nothing is working, you may have to reconsider your basic expectations.
• Show respect for the conflict. Don’t minimize the problem.
• Remove the disputed object temporarily.
• You don’t have to wait for a problem to occur in order to use problem-solving. When possible, plan ahead!
• Sorry to say, praise can be complicated. Research and observation suggest that it’s not a matter of how much praise we dole out, but the way we praise that makes the difference.
• The first rule of praise is that it’s not always appropriate to praise.
• TOOL #1: Describe What You See
• A more useful way to praise is to resist the impulse to evaluate and instead to simply describe what you see (or hear or notice with any of your five senses).
• Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
• TOOL #2: Describe the Effect on Others
• TOOL #3 Describe Effort
• It’s no surprise that children who are told they are smart and talented often fall apart when they encounter their first real challenges.
• TOOL #4: Describe Progress
• One advantage of descriptive praise is that you can use it even when things aren’t going particularly well, by pointing out what has been achieved so far.
• Often pointing out one positive thing is more effective than pointing out ten negatives.
• Sometimes we do need to point out what’s wrong. Kids don’t always notice on their own. In a case like this it’s important to appreciate the positive first. If you want a criticism to be accepted graciously, a good rule to follow is to notice three positive things before mentioning the negative. And even then it’s most useful to put your criticism in positive terms. Talk about what “needs to be done” rather than what is still wrong.
• Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.
• Time to switch gears and acknowledge feelings. When kids are unhappy, we don’t have to prop them up with frantic praise.
• Give a child a new picture of himself.
• Another way to give a child a new picture of himself is to give him opportunities to demonstrate his competence.
• Resist the urge to praise by comparison.
• REMINDER: Tools for Praise and Appreciation
• 1. Describe What You See “I see green lines that are zooming up and down the page. And look how they connect all these red shapes!”
• 2. Describe the Effect on Others “The baby loves it when you make those funny sounds. I see a big smile on her face.”
• 3. Describe Effort “You kept working on that button until you got it into that little buttonhole.”
• 4. Describe Progress “You sounded out each of the letters and you put them together. You read a whole sentence!”
• Consider asking questions or starting a conversation instead of praising.
• Sometimes acknowledging feelings can be more helpful than praise.
• Give a child a new picture of himself.
• Resist the urge to praise by comparison.
• All kids want to connect, all kids want to be understood, all kids want a say in what they do and how they do it. The challenge for those of us with differently wired kids is to figure out how to achieve all these noble goals without getting mired in frustration, or blaming our kids, when they are . . . well . . . different.
• Before we can hope to acknowledge feelings or engage cooperation or solve problems, we need to connect.
• TOOL #1: Join Them in Their World
• The next time your child seems to be in her own world, uninterested in relating to you or anyone else, and you have a little extra energy to spare, try getting down on the floor (or wherever your child happens to be) and joining her in her world.
• TOOL #2: Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing
• There is value to giving a child the experience that he can handle frustration, with your sympathy and support.
• TOOL #3: Put into Words What Kids Want to Say
• When kids feel understood they also feel more calm, connected, and able to tolerate frustration.
• TOOL #4: Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child
• Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.
• Just because your kid did something yesterday doesn’t mean he can do it today. Just because he can do something in the morning when he’s fresh, doesn’t mean he can do it in the afternoon when he’s tired. Kids aren’t consistent in their use of new skills. It makes having realistic expectations even harder for parents and teachers. But who ever said it was going to be easy?
• TOOL #5: Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Write a Note, Use a Gesture, Draw a Picture, Sing
• Kids who are wired differently often have more difficulty making sense of what we say to them. They benefit from multiple ways to process information.
• TOOL #6: Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t
• Even when children understand our individual words, they may fail to grasp what we’re trying to say. This is especially true of children who are on the autism spectrum or have other developmental delays. They tend to interpret words literally, which can lead to misunderstandings.
• TOOL #7: Be Playful!
• Kids on the autism spectrum take longer than neurotypical kids to move from the stage of literal thinking to imaginative play.
• REMINDER: Tools for Kids Who Are Differently Wired
• 1. Join Them in Their World “Can I play the Bubble Game with you? Will you show me how?”
• 2. Take Time to Imagine What Your Child Is Experiencing “So to you, the seams of the socks are very irritating!”
• 3. Put into Words What Kids Want to Say “You bad old rain! You took away Johnny’s recess!”
• 4. Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child “Let’s take a diaper vacation. We need some time to relax and not worry about peeing in the potty.”
• 5. Use Alternatives to the Spoken Word: Notes, Checklists, Pictures, Songs, Gestures
• 6. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can throw your stuffed animals.”
• 7. Be Playful! “It’s time to put away the blocks. I need help from the human wheelbarrow!”
• Don’t expect new skills to be used consistently.
• We need to meet basic needs before any communication tools will work for us.
• The first two basics of everyday parenting are food and sleep. If your child is overtired or hungry, it’s likely that none of the communication tools in the previous chapters will work for you.
• Little kids aren’t always aware that they’re feeling bad because they’re tired or hungry. It’s up to us to keep those possibilities in mind and to offer sustenance and slumber when those two vital ingredients might be lacking.
• One of the best things we can do for children in times of stress is to give them time to recover from the physical changes of anger, fear, and frustration. Don’t expect a child to be able to “snap out of it” immediately.
• We need to be aware of when a child is nearing his breaking point so we don’t add that last seemingly harmless straw.
• Finally, we need to match our expectations to the child’s stage of development and level of experience.
• When things are going badly it may be helpful to ask yourself, Am I expecting my child to behave in a way that is beyond his current level of ability?
• For three-year-olds, an exciting vacation would be a trip to a new playground for an hour, another thirty minutes to muck about in a muddy stream, then a nice snack, and home to sleep in their own bed. Keep your plans simple and humble when your kids are small, and you will have simple (and less expensive) disappointments.
• Kids aren’t good at splitting their attention and tend to become absorbed in the moment, especially when the moment involves computer games.
• REMINDER: The Basics–Conditions Under Which the Tools Won’t Work
• Lack of food
• Lack of sleep
• Need for recovery time
• Feeling overwhelmed (the last straw syndrome)
• Lack of developmental or experiential readiness
• REMINDER: Food Fights Resist the urge to . . . . . . insist that your child clean his or her plate, eat a specific food, or eat a predetermined amount. . . . offer dessert as a reward for eating healthy food, or withhold it as a punishment for not eating. . . . be a short-order cook. . . . label your child a picky eater. . . . make food a battleground! Instead you can . . .
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Even though you usually like chicken, you’re not in the mood for it tonight.”
• 2. Offer Choices
• Put an empty plate in front of your child and let him serve himself, or ask for what he wants if he’s too young to serve himself.
• Serve some of the meal as simple separates so kids can make choices about what they put on their plates.
• Offer a simple alternative if kids don’t want the “grown-up” food—peanut butter sandwich, bread and cheese, hard-boiled egg, raw carrots, red pepper.
• 3. Manage the Environment Keep sweets and sugary drinks out of sight. Make it easy to avoid temptation!
• 4. Put the Child in Charge Let kids have as much involvement as possible in planning, shopping, as well as preparing the meal, if you can tolerate some food landing on the floor. (Your dog will thank you!)
• 5. Give Information Let kids know that “tastes change,” so they don’t feel stuck with their limited palate. Tell them, “You might want to give this a try when you’re ready.”
• REMINDER: Morning Madness
• 1. Be Playful (Shoe talking.) “I don’t want that foot in me. Nooooo!” (Parent talking.) “You’d better get on Luke’s foot right now. You’re making him late!”
• 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to walk to the car the regular way or backward?”
• 3. Put the Child in Charge “Can you set the timer? I need you to let me know when it’s time to go out the door.”
• 4. Try Problem-Solving “It’s not easy to remember all the things we have to do in the morning. What do you think about making a chart?”
• 5. Acknowledge Feelings “It isn’t easy to get out of a warm, cozy bed. It’s nice to snuggle for a few more minutes!”
• REMINDER: Sibling Rivalry
• 1. Accept Feelings “It can be frustrating to have a baby sister!”
• 2. Give Wishes in Fantasy: Let the older child pretend to be a baby “Come sit on my lap and be my super baby.”
• 3. Describe What You See: Notice and appreciate the positive interactions between siblings “You figured out how to cheer up your sister when she was crying.”
• 4. Put the Child in Charge so that he has an opportunity to see himself differently “Can you pick a board book for the baby? She likes it when you read to her.”
• 5. Reconnect With Your Child
• Plan for Special One-on-One Time “Would you like to make cookies when the baby takes her nap? Or snuggle up and read your pop-up truck book?”
• Tell the Older Child Stories About his Baby Days “I remember when you . . .”
• 6. Take Action Without Insult: Avoid casting a child in the role of aggressor “We need to separate. I don’t want anyone getting hurt!”
• 7. Try Problem-Solving: Resist the urge to take sides and don’t minimize the problem! “Jamie wants to build by himself and Kara wants to touch the blocks. This is a tough problem. We need ideas.”
• REMINDER: Shopping with Children
• 1. Put the Child in Charge Have him help make a shopping list and gather groceries to put in the cart. Give her an allowance: “You can bring your dollar to the grocery store in case you see something you want to buy for yourself.”
• 2. Offer a Choice “Should we get the spiral pasta or the elbow pasta? You pick!”
• 3. Acknowledge Feelings with a Wish List Thomas’s Wish List: Star Wars jumbo Lego set
• 4. Give Information—Let Children Know What to Expect “We’re going shopping for Elena’s birthday present today. Let’s bring the wish list in case you see something you’d like for yourself.”
• REMINDER: Lies
• 1. Describe What You See: Instead of asking or accusing, state the obvious. “I see chocolate on your face.”
• 2. Describe How You Feel “I’m upset that the cake was eaten! I was going to serve it for dessert when our friends come for dinner tonight!”
• 3. Acknowledge Feelings “It’s not easy to resist cake. I bet you wish you hadn’t eaten it.”
• 4. Try Problem-Solving: Make a plan for the future “Next time you’re tempted, let me know. I’m sure we can find a way to help you wait.”
• 5. Adjust Expectations: Manage the environment instead of the child Think to yourself, The next time I buy chocolate cake, I’ll put it out of sight until it’s time for dessert so it’s not so tempting.
• 6. Help the Child Make Amends “We’re going to need something for dessert when our friends come over. Can you get out some cookies and arrange them nicely on a plate?”
• REMINDER: Parents Have Feelings, Too!
• 1. Express Your Feelings . . . Strongly Instead of, “You’re being rude!” Try, “I don’t like being told I’m mean. It makes me mad.”
• 2. Tell Them What They Can Do, Instead of What They Can’t “You can tell me, ‘Mommy, I’m disappointed! I wanted to go!’ ”
• 3. Don’t Forget the Basics—Give Yourself and Your Child Time to Recover “I’ll talk to you about it after dinner. Right now I’m too upset.”
• REMINDER: Tattling
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Jenna didn’t like being poked. That hurt!”
• 2. Help the Child Make Amends (without scolding) “Let’s get a broom and sweep up the mess.”
• 3. Try Problem-Solving “How will we remember not to touch the stove dials? We need ideas.”
• REMINDER: Cleanup
• 1. Be Playful (Shoes talking.) “Pretty please, put me in the closet with my friends.” “How many minutes will it take to toss all the Legos into the bucket? You can set the timer. Ready . . . set . . . GO!”
• 2. Offer a Choice “Do you want to be in charge of putting away the books or the cars?”
• 3. Write a Note “Please hang me on the hook. Love, Your Coat.”
• 4. Describe What You See “I see orange peels on the floor.”
• 5. Give Information “Peels belong in the compost.”
• 6. Say It with a Word “Coat!” “Peels!” “Shoes!”
• 7. Describe Progress “You got that whole pile of dirty laundry in the basket! All that’s left to put away are the cars and books.”
• 8. Describe What You See with Appreciation “Wow, look at this big cleanup you did. The floor was covered with dirty laundry and train tracks, and now it’s a pleasure to walk on!”
• REMINDER: Doctor’s Orders
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings Instead of, “Come on, it’s not that bad. Just let her do it, and it’ll be over.” Try, “It can be scary to think about someone sticking a needle in your arm.” Instead of, “Don’t cry. You’re a big boy.” Try, “That hurt! You didn’t like that!”
• 2. Offer in Fantasy What You Can’t Give in Reality “I wish they could put the medicine inside a lollipop. You’d eat one a day for a week and then you’d never get sick.”
• 3. Offer a Choice “Do you want the shot in your left arm or your right?” “Do you want to sit next to me, or on my lap?”
• 4. Give Information “The shots are quick. They’re over in the time it takes to clap twice. Like this (Clap! Clap!).” “The shots put tiny little fighters in your blood, called antibodies. They fight against tiny germs so you don’t get sick.”
• 5. Try Problem-Solving Parent: What would make it easier to get through these injections? Would it help to have something to look forward to when you’re done? Kid: Can we get peanut M&M’s? I could eat a green one as soon as the shot is over. Parent: Let’s do that!
• 6. Be Playful “I can see the medicine going down your throat into your stomach. And now it’s heading down your leg to your toes!”
• 7. Take Action Without Insult “I’m going to hold you on my lap while the doctor gives you the injection. I know you don’t like this.”
• REMINDER: Shy Kids
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be hard to walk into a new house filled with relatives. Lots of people want to say hello to you. That can feel scary.”
• 2. Adjust Expectations: Give a child something to do instead of pressuring him to be social. “You can carry in the chips and put them in the bowl for people to eat.”
• 3. Offer a Choice “Do you want to sit on the couch and watch the kids set up the trains? Or do you want to have a snack with the grown-ups first?”
• 4. Be Playful (Sock puppet talking.) “Hi there! Would you like a corn chip?”
• 5. Put the Child in Charge “Jamie will join you when he’s ready.”
• REMINDER: Little Runaways
• 1. Adjust Expectations: Manage the Environment Instead of the Child Avoid outings that seem like fun but will be more stress than pleasure with a small child. There will be plenty of opportunities to see holiday decorations at the mall or enjoy an outdoor concert by the river when your child is a little bit older.
• 2. Acknowledge Your Child’s Feelings “You don’t like it when your hand is squeezed. You want to be free to look around.”
• 3. Describe Your Own Feelings “I worry that drivers backing out of parking spaces can’t see children.”
• 4. Offer a Choice “You can ride in the cart or you can help push.”
• 5. Be Playful “We need to stick close together. It’s a jungle out there. I think I just saw the tail of a lion behind that car!”
• 6. Try Problem-Solving “Let’s think of a secret signal we can use that means we have to get to each other as fast as possible.”
• 7. Take Action Without Insult Grab your kid and go home. “We can’t stay here. I have to watch the baby and I’m too worried about losing sight of you by the river.”
• The first priority, of course, is to protect. Take action to prevent injury! This may involve grabbing a child. The words that accompany this action are important. We need alternatives to “bad boy” or “how could you hurt the baby like that?” or “don’t be mean!” We need words that state your values without attacking the child.
• The next priority is to attend to the victim.
• What can a parent do to make a kid feel more kindly toward a sibling and less likely to attack in the future? We can help him make amends:
• And finally we can acknowledge feelings and problem-solve for next time:
• We tell our children not to hit, but sometimes we forget to acknowledge what a challenge that is for a youngster. It can be a great relief to a child to know that he is engaged in one of the great aspirations of civilization—figuring out alternatives to violence!
• REMINDER: Hitting, Pinching, Poking, Punching, Pushing
• 1. Take Action Without Insult
• Make everybody safe “We need to separate!”
• Attend to injuries “Let me kiss that bump. Do you want a piece of ice for your head?”
• 2. Express Your Feelings Strongly “I don’t like seeing Isabel hurt!” “That makes me very upset!”
• 3. Help the Child Make Amends “Isabel needs something to make her feel better. Can you find her a toy? Or do you think she’d like a strawberry?”
• 4. Acknowledge Feelings “It can be very frustrating to have a little sister grabbing your things.” “It’s not easy to resist hitting or pushing when you’re mad!”
• 5. Give Information “No pushing allowed in this house. Daddy is not allowed to push me. You are not allowed to push your sister, and she is not allowed to push you. And I am not allowed to push either of you—unless you need a push on a swing!”
• 6. Try Problem-Solving “Sometimes your little sister can drive you crazy! What can a person do when his sister is bothering him? We need ideas.”
• REMINDER: Sleep
• 1. Acknowledge Feelings “Sometimes it isn’t easy to fall asleep. It can be scary to lie in bed in the dark.”
• 2. Be Playful “I need to smooth out these terrible lumps in your bed!” (Press down on legs and arms of child.)
• 3. Try Problem-Solving “Let’s see what ideas we can come up with for staying in your bed at night. A special night-light? A picture book by your bed? A recording of songs or stories?”
• 4. Take Action Without Insult “Mommy and Daddy need to sleep! I’m putting you back in your bed. We’ll play in the morning.”
• REMINDER: When Parents Get Angry!
• A. In the moment, if you must yell, use your tools . . . LOUDLY!
• 1. Say It in a Word “CAR!!!”
• 2. Give Information “BROTHERS ARE NOT FOR KICKING!!”
• 3. Describe How You Feel “I GET VERY UPSET WHEN I SEE A BABY BEING PINCHED!!”
• 4. Describe What You See “I SEE PEOPLE GETTING HURT!!”
• 5. Take Action without Insult “I can’t allow sand throwing! WE ARE LEAVING!!”
• B. When the moment has passed and everyone’s safe, take care of yourself. Do whatever works best for you: run around the block; take deep breaths; take a time-out for yourself (lock yourself in another room); call a friend and vent; email a friend; write in a journal; hug a dog; turn on your favorite music; attend to your own basic needs—sleep and food. . . .
• C. Reconnect and try problem-solving. “That was no fun. You didn’t like getting yelled at. And I was really mad about being late. What can we do next time?”
• D. Seek help if you feel the anger is too much.
• REMINDER: Troubleshooting
• 1. When a child is too upset to cooperate, go back to Acknowledging Feelings “You don’t even want to think about visiting your friend another time. You were looking forward to going today!”
• Make sure your tone of voice matches the emotion “That’s so disappointing!”
• Try a grunt instead of words “UGH!” “Mmph!”
• Put your child’s thoughts into words “Stupid Legos! They should stick together and stay together!”
• Tell the story of what happened “You worked for a long time on that spaceship. You used blue bricks for the base, and red bricks for the lights, and it was almost ready to launch! All it needed was the fins on the rockets. . . .”
• 2. Give your child Time to Recover (and give yourself a break!) “I can see how sad you are. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. Come join me when you’re ready.”
• 3. Help a child climb out of the pit of despair by Acknowledging Feelings, Giving Information, and Offering Choices “Oh no, the skin got ripped! That hurts! Good thing skin knows how to repair itself. It’s getting busy right now growing more skin cells to cover that poor knee and make it as good as new. How many days do you think it will take? What kind of Band-Aid should we cover it with?”
• 4. Take Action and stick to your values; if you regularly cave in to whining and complaints, the tools won’t work “You wish we could have candy for breakfast! I’m putting it out of sight. The choices are cereal or eggs.”
• 5. Check on “The Basics” Is your child lacking food or sleep, or feeling overwhelmed? Is your child developmentally ready to do what you’re expecting?