THE FINE ART OF SMALL TALK by Debra Fine

• Enhancing your conversational skills will no doubt improve your quality of life.
• Small talk is the icebreaker that clears the way for more intimate conversation, laying the foundation for a stronger relationship.
• The good news about conversation skills is that anyone can learn them.
• We become better conversationalists when we employ two primary objectives. Number one: Take the risk. It is up to us to take the risk of starting a conversation with a stranger.
• We all fear rejection at some level. Just remind yourself that there are more dire consequences in life than a rejection by someone at a networking event, singles function, back-to-school night, or association meeting.
• Number two: Assume the burden. It is up to each and every one of us to assume the burden of conversation.
• Small talk is essential to creating and enriching business relationships.
• In general, people and organizations spend money for two reasons:
• To solve a problem or fill a need.
• To gain good, positive feelings.
• Small talk is a big deal because it is integral to establishing rapport.
• Small talk is the verbal equivalent of that first domino: It starts a chain reaction with all kinds of implications for your life.
• To expand your circle of friends and colleagues, you must start engaging strangers and acquaintances in conversation. There is no other way.
• Almost always, people will embrace your efforts and appreciate your leadership and friendship.
• The first step in becoming a great conversationalist is becoming invested in the conversation and actively working to help the other person feel comfortable.
• Just having topics in mind to talk about goes a long way toward improving your skills.
• The rules are simple. When someone gives you a smile, you are naturally inclined to smile back. Be the first to smile and greet another person. That’s pretty easy. Just a smile and a few words, and it’s done. Be sure that you make eye contact. That simple act is the beginning of establishing rapport. In those few seconds you have shown an interest in the other person.
• Make it a point to remember the other person’s name; learning and using names is probably the single most important rule of good conversation, so stay focused during the introduction.
• Focus on the name, repeat it, and then formulate your answer.
• When you use another person’s name sincerely in a conversation, it makes that person feel special.
• It’s just as important to give your name when you meet someone—even if you’ve met him or her previously and think they should remember your name.
• Don’t ever assume that someone who sees you infrequently will remember your name, especially when they see you out of context.
• Remember, instead of sitting back and waiting for another kind soul to start a conversation, take the lead.
• Don’t wait; make eye contact and be the first to smile.
• Like most things that are unfamiliar, starting a conversation appears harder than it actually is.
• The simple act of truly being interested in the other person has an amazing effect on the conversation—it just snowballs!
• You will be successful if you just take the initiative and give it a try. You’ll be surprised by how easy it is and at the positive reinforcement you get from people when you start a conversation.
• Remember the following four steps and you are well on your way to an excellent chat.
• 1. Make eye contact.
• 2. Smile.
• 3. Find that approachable person!
• 4. Offer your name and use theirs.
• The true effort is taking the risk to be the first to say hello.
• Your mission is to get your conversation partners talking about themselves. Most people enjoy the opportunity to share their stories, and if you give them the chance, they’ll start talking. This is a no-brainer route to small talking success.
• Whenever you begin a dialogue with a question, get ready to dig deeper so that the other person knows you are interested in hearing more.
• If you are observant, you’ll get a lot of free information from people’s behavior.
• You’ll become skilled at small talk the same way you’ve improved in other activities—practice.
• A great conversation hinges on two things: the talking and the listening.
• Listening is more than just hearing. It’s a level of involvement that goes beyond reciting the contents of the conversation.
• Most people with good intentions provide eye contact.
• Most of us are on automatic pilot when it comes to our body language because of a lifetime of habits.
• Be aware of what your body language is saying to the world. It requires practice and concentration to overcome nervous habits and use positive body language. Stick with it; practice will make it easier every time.
• It is important to verbally let others know that we are following along, actively listening.
• Paraphrasing the speaker clarifies that you understood accurately. Or it can help the speaker recognize that you misunderstood what she was attempting to communicate.
• People naturally calm down when they realize they’ve been understood.
• Before expressing apologies, before solving a problem, let the person know that they have been heard by repeating the specifics.
• Ten Tips for Tip-Top Listening
• 1. Learn to want to listen. You must have the desire, interest, concentration, and self-discipline.
• 2. To be a good listener, give verbal and visual cues that you are listening.
• 3. Anticipate excellence. We get good information more often when we expect it.
• 4. Become a “whole body” listener: Listen with your ears, your eyes, and your heart.
• 5. Take notes. They aid retention.
• 6. Listen now, report later. Plan to tell someone what you heard, and you will remember it better.
• 7. Build rapport by pacing the speaker. Approximate the speaker’s gestures, facial expressions, and voice patterns to create comfortable communication.
• 8. Control internal and external distractions.
• 9. Generously give the gift of listening.
• 10. Be present, watch the tendency to daydream. Don’t drift off from conversations.
• All the visual and verbal cues in the world are useless if you haven’t stayed focused enough on the conversation to track it well.
• Your job as a conversation partner is to listen when the other person is speaking.
• The rules of good conversation require give and take.
• Even ordinary people have extraordinary things happen to them that make for excellent conversation. Every person I know has had an extraordinary experience of one kind or another.
• While there is an infinite list of acceptable conversation topics at public venues, there is also a short list of subjects that are generally off limits. If you are unsure about a subject’s appropriateness and hesitate before bringing it up, it’s probably better left unspoken.
• One of the easiest ways to start or keep a conversation going is to compliment another person.
• An authentic compliment makes the other person feel good about both of you, and that enhances the rapport, making conversation easier. The key is that your compliment is genuine, so select something that you can truly support.
• The power in a sincere compliment is enormous. There is nothing that makes people feel more special than to have their finer traits noted and appreciated.
• A good compliment acknowledges the object of admiration:
• An excellent, top-of-the-line compliment goes beyond that to give conversation material by expounding on why you like the item.
• Beware of complimenting appearance in the workplace. In many instances it can be construed as a subtle form of sexual harassment.
• No matter what your chosen topic of conversation, I cannot overstate the importance of being authentic when talking with someone.
• A simple rule that garners great rewards is to start conversations with a minimum of three new people a week.
• There are only three good reasons for interrupting. The first is that you need to exit immediately. The second is that the topic of conversation is too uncomfortable to bear, and you need to change the subject right away. And the third is if you are in the company of a monopolizer who has refused to offer you a natural break in the conversation for more than five minutes.
• Be careful if you flaunt your opinions. Make sure others realize you are only offering your personal opinion about what works for you.
• The truth is, most people don’t want advice—they want empathy and compassion.
• Give the gift of listening and offer advice only when it’s solicited.
• Comfort begets complacency.
• It’s important to retain your poise and state your reason for departing courteously. Even if you despised the conversation and are chomping at the bit to leave, be tactful as you go.
• The cardinal rule of the exit is that when you depart, you do what you said you were going to do.
• Staying focused on your own agenda will make your small talking much more productive than if you are just casually mingling with whoever walks through the door.
• Remember to end the conversation the same way you began it—with a smile and a handshake.
• You make a lasting impression when you seal a conversation with a handshake.
• Small talk connects us, whether the setting is business or social.
• The ability to talk easily with anyone is a learned skill, not a personality trait. Acquiring it will help you develop rapport with people and leave a positive impression that lasts longer than an exchange of business cards.
• Act confident and comfortable, even when you’re not.
• Self-confidence is probably the single most powerful magnet, right after good looks.
• Most of the time follow-up comments and disclosures will act as “prompters.” They’ll usually prompt the other person to speak or to ask you questions.
• Don’t be afraid of looking dumb or saying the wrong thing. Laughing at yourself is the best way to develop a sense of humor (if you don’t already have one) and, at the same time, make people feel less threatened by you.
• People part with their money for two reasons: to solve a problem and to attain good feelings.
• Everyone is entitled to be listened to, even when in the wrong.
• Only one requirement is essential to achieve small talk excellence: practice.