HOW TO WORK A ROOM by Susan RoAne

• Over 90 percent of us are still shy and find a roomful of people—strangers—to be daunting.
• Savvy socializing is a still recognized and essential quality in business; as a recent article in Fortune stated, “high-profile leaders tend to know how to work a room and many may have learned to like the limelight.”
• The need to meet, mingle, make contacts and make conversation is even more important in this twenty-first century’s Internet-working world because we have lost some of our face-to-face communication skills.
• The benefits of being able to work a room with the ease and grace of a mingling maven are enormous.
• SAY YES TO OPPORTUNITIES
• In my research for How to Create Your Own Luck, I learned that those who turn serendipity into success say yes when they want to say no. Because they do that, they are able to parlay possibilities and coincidence into opportunities they otherwise would not have had.
• In this century, those who have the personal touch will profit professionally. Working a room can be your number one marketing strategy. Visibility marketing is some of the best advertising you can get to make a positive, lasting impression—and it’s free.
• Most people don’t like entering a room full of strangers for any reason. “A party with strangers” is the number one social fear according to a study on social anxiety reported in the New York Times.
• Most of us want to feel comfortable with other people, even strangers, and will do whatever it takes to minimize the anxiety and move through a crowded room with ease and grace.
• We show our character not by how we treat people in a position to help us but in how we treat people who can’t—or so we think. Being nice in any room pays off.
• You first have to work rooms and then you network—that ongoing process of life that is a continuous follow-up.
• People sense the truth; they usually know when they are being manipulated because you have an agenda or want to make a sale.
• PRACTICE DOES MAKE PERFECT
• The more you practice, the better you’ll be.
• Good social skills positively impact one’s well-being and life expectancy.
• Conversation is the cornerstone of team building and collaboration.
• No one is boring when you discover their area of passion.
• We need to stop labeling ourselves and other people.
• Different situations evoke different feelings and responses. But with training, practice and the refining of our communication skills, shyness can be reduced or eliminated altogether.
• Leaders and other successful people have learned how to overcome their shyness. They don’t wait; they reach out and extend themselves to people.
• In The Magic of Thinking Big, Dr. David J. Schwartz says, “It’s a mark of real leadership to take the lead in getting to know people . . . It’s always a big person who walks up to you and offers his/her hand and says hello.”
• Most of us are strong enough to withstand a temporarily chipped ego.
• The truth is very few people will be openly hostile or rude when we approach them—if for no other reason than that it’s bad business.
• Self-talk can be either positive or negative.
• Small talk is a great way to get to know new people.
• Allow yourself to make off-the-cuff, impromptu comments. You never know—it could contribute to a very elevating experience.
• Change of any kind is a risk and feels uncomfortable—even when the change is for the good.
• Extending ourselves to people is almost always worth the risk.
• No one can give you the courage to introduce yourself to a stranger.
• One way to muster up the courage to take a risk and talk to strangers is to ask yourself, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Surprisingly enough, your worst fear is usually not a matter of life and death.
• Taking the risk is almost always worth the discomfort. It’s a cliché, but “nothing ventured, nothing gained” makes sense.
• Pay no attention to people who restrain you from talking to strangers when you want to do so.
• Practice talking to strangers in safe settings:
• For every roadblock, there is a remedy you can apply.
• From a very tender age we are told not to talk to strangers. The solution: Redefine the term.
• These common interests can be the basis for conversation. Understanding what we have in common with others takes the edge off our reluctance to approach them as “strangers.”
• Business events can yield personal payoffs and social events can have professional ones.
• Use common sense when approaching people you don’t know, but loosen up the definition of stranger so that Mother’s Dire Warnings don’t keep you from establishing contacts and communication.
• Before we leave for an event, we need to have a planned and practiced self-introduction that is clear, interesting and well delivered.
• Your self-introduction should be tailored to the event.
• A good self-introduction:
• Begins with your name
• Includes something about yourself that establishes what you have in common with the other people at the event
• Lasts about seven to nine seconds
• Once you have planned how to introduce yourself, practice.
• Good things don’t come to those who wait. Good things come to those who initiate!
• Hosts are concerned with the comfort of others and actively contribute to that comfort.
• Most of us were taught how to be a gracious host. We just need to transfer those skills to other events.
• The only way to move from guest to host behavior at events is to do it. Try one behavior at a time.
• Moving from guest to host behavior is the perfect remedy for the Prom King/Queen Complex.
• Keep your antennae up at all times. There is an abundance of good conversation topics to be found everywhere.
• Fear of rejection is sometimes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
• We can’t control others’ thoughts and actions, but we can be aware of the signals we send—and of whether or not we want to send them.
• Stay away from double entendres and off-color jokes and comments.
• Be conscious of body language—yours and theirs.
• To work a room effectively, we need to know why we are doing it.
• Before you attend an event, ask yourself what you would like to accomplish—both on a professional level and on a personal level.
• Those who attend events to push forward their own agendas are obvious and, more often than not, annoying.
• Each of us has something to offer other people, and we should focus on our potential contributions as well.
• “Doing good deeds is actually the direct cause of an increase of well-being.”
• Being able to work a room effectively has one benefit that is extraordinary and unique: You can build an enormous network.
• A huge Rolodex is useless unless, like the millionaires Stanley studied, we see it as a resource pool of people, ideas and advice.
• Remember: We sometimes forget that each of us has something to offer. We can benefit the other attendees by offering information, advice, an ear, leads, ideas and so on.
• Learn to approach any event with purpose, energy and enthusiasm.
• Identify the potential benefits before you go. These benefits can be personal or professional or both.
• Being a resource to others, not just focused on your agenda, is preferable.
• When we charm people, they become comfortable and at ease.
• Once we identify charming behaviors, we can emulate them. Pick one. Practice it. Then pick another.
• Charm is a combination of warmth, good nature, positive attitude, a good sense of humor, charisma, spirit, energy and an interest in others.
• Charm is the ability to convey a type of caring that comes from the heart and soul—and she has it.
• Ignoring someone because the title on her name tag doesn’t impress us is a cardinal sin.
• There is no more effective way to work a room than to . . . be nice in a room! People remember the people who make them feel special, comfortable and conversant and whose demeanors make them smile.
• Caution: The research on multitasking indicates that, yes, we can do several things at once. But, unfortunately, none will be done very well.
• DISTRACTION MAKES US DUMBER
• One of the advantages and a great beauty of virtual communication is that our physical attributes have no bearing on what we “say” and no effect on others.
• Technology is supposed to support communication, not supplant it.
• Sending and receiving emails on company time can be used against us. Period. End of story.
• A good rule of thumb: Do not send any email, tweet or post you wouldn’t want read in court, in front of your grandmother, your boss, your clients or your significant other.
• Be very cautious about the types of sites you visit on company time.
• The perils of losing the personal touch are huge.
• The Hard Truth: People whose generosity is not acknowledged may not be motivated to send the next gift.
• When it involves another person, have the courage, consideration and character to do what is difficult. Face the music, face the person.
• Our behaviors are judged and remembered. Some things merit a real-time conversation.
• Remember the “magic” words and pleasantries.
• The people who are ultimately the most successful at working a room are those who genuinely like, respect and trust other people.
• Top Tip: If you can tell someone is working a room, that person is doing it wrong!
• The technical skills of working a room are not enough. Interest, warmth and the desire to connect with others must be genuine and sincere.
• I hate to sound like your grandma or mine, but when in doubt, apply the Golden Rule. Treat other people as you would want to be treated. It’s old-fashioned, but it’s easy, true and almost fail-safe.
• Anyone who is working, has a practice or a career or is looking for a job should be on LinkedIn. It’s an important room to be in.
• We need to remind ourselves to pick up the phone and set a time to meet with our close friends and family, when geographically possible.
• Shyness is a huge issue for over 90 percent of American adults who self-identify as such.
• In every “room” you enter, the majority of people feel equally uncomfortable or shy.
• An easy way to make yourself feel comfortable at an event is to dress appropriately for the occasion. How we dress makes a statement before we open our mouths.
• The best self-introductions are energetic and pithy—no more than seven to nine seconds long. They include your name (obviously) and a tag line that tells other people who you are and gives them a way to remember you.
• Speak clearly and look people in the eye.
• what people will remember are the warmth, interest and enthusiasm they feel from you.
• Let’s borrow from the Japanese tradition: When you receive a card, honor it by looking at it, looking at the person. Honoring a card helps you remember people . . . Perhaps you can make a comment about the card.
• Small talk allows you to learn about other people.
• Small talk is how we connect with others and learn who and what we have in common.
• Being a good conversationalist includes being a good listener. When people talk about themselves, listen with your ears, with your face and with your heart.
• When you arrive at the event, take a deep breath, stand tall and walk into the room.
• When you focus on other people’s comfort more than your own, your self-consciousness disappears.
• Always state your own name when greeting other people.
• Questions should be open-ended enough to encourage a response but not invasive.
• Disclosing something about yourself is a good way to establish your vulnerability and approachability. However, there is a risk involved. Be careful not to reveal anything so personal that it burdens the listener.
• People do business with people they know, like and trust.
• Everything in moderation. We want to make sure that we don’t burden clients, customers and even friends with too much personal information.
• Food is almost always a wonderful basis for communication.
• Never go to an event more than fifteen minutes after the designated time. The small groups that appear closed will not yet have formed.
• Watch people’s body language and listen to the tone of their conversation for clues.
• the etiquette of social events is that we are supposed to circulate.
• To make your exit easier, wait until you have just finished a comment. Then smile, extend your hand for a closing handshake and say, “Nice meeting you.
• Once you extricate yourself, visibly move one quarter of the room away.
• Enter the room with confidence, orient yourself and look for people you either know or want to know. And be nice to everyone!
• Seek out other shy people who will appreciate your interest and conversation. Introduce yourself to people who are standing alone.
• Don’t be afraid to move in and join conversations already in progress and include those people who want to join your conversation.
• Always introduce yourself by your full name to those whose names you can’t retrieve. Ninety percent of the time they will respond in kind, and no one will have to struggle with the name game.
• A sincere interest in people is the most important part of being a good conversationalist.
• Why should a busy person with a multitude of demands on his or her time read a daily newspaper? Because a good conversationalist is well read, well versed and well rounded.
• Intelligent questions allow others to speak about their own areas of expertise and interest. They also give us the chance to learn from what other people say.
• Reading the business section gives you information that you can use to connect with people.
• Our goal in working a room is to make people feel comfortable with us and to create conversation.
• People connect to stories, not necessarily to facts and figures.
• “Do not spend your time with anyone whom, after you leave, you waste one minute thinking about what they meant by what was said.”
• Humor has a special way of bringing people together. It can establish rapport and warmth among people. It’s an unique and magical elixir that can even heal the body.
• Don’t be afraid to let go and laugh. It’s good for you and makes working the room a lot more enjoyable.
• Active listening means hearing what people say, concentrating on them and their words and responding. When we really pay attention, concentrate on that one person and are in the moment, we improve our chances of remembering both the person and the conversation.
• The Magnificent Seven of Listening
• 1.  Making eye contact/nodding
• 2.  Smiling and/or laughing
• 3.  Asking relevant questions that indicate interest
• 4.  Making statements that reflect similar situations
• 5.  Having body language that is open and receptive
• 6.  Hearing what is not said
• 7.  Bringing the conversation full circle
• One way to make interesting conversation is to say “yes” to opportunities that are out of your realm of expertise or area of interest.
• Another apology to avoid is “I’m sorry, but . . .” That’s considered a nonapology and doesn’t show acceptance of responsibility or contrition.
• The person who never apologizes, never thinks he or she is wrong and never accepts responsibility for a possible mistake is difficult to be around.
• Be a conversational chameleon. Adapt conversation to the individual by age, interest and/or profession.
• Be nice to everyone. Don’t judge tomorrow’s book by today’s cover.
• Be a name-dropper. Always mention the names of people or places you could have in common to establish a connection.
• This cannot be overstated: You never know who people know or what their career move will be. Take a chance.
• Silence has its place in conversation.
• One of the most effective skills we can develop is our ability to speak in front of an audience.
• How can we ensure good audience behavior? Simple: Work the audience ahead of time!
• In a nutshell, talk to audience members before you are introduced to speak.
• The people with whom you have chatted will pay attention because you’re now a person, not just a presenter, and there’s now a personal connection. The audience members who saw you talk to others get that same sense.
• Talk with the audience, not at them.
• Sometimes the best-intentioned advice of our friends is not right for us.
• Don’t start with a joke unless you wrote it and are great with delivery.
• Be ready for ideas at all times. Use your phone or small digital recorder to record a voice memo or take small pads of paper everywhere! I
• A good toast has the right balance of humor and honorific.
• Being asked to introduce a speaker is another moment that can make an impression on the audience and contribute to our careers.
• The purpose of an introduction is to set up the audience to want to listen to the speaker.
• We need to prepare and practice before we stand and deliver it so that presentations, toasts and introductions do deliver and that we make the right impression.
• If you talk with your audience beforehand, you will never need a gimmick or have to do shtick to capture their attention.
• Caution: Do not sound overcoached or overpracticed. Your words will lose their authenticity.
• Customize your presentation for the audience.
• If you don’t already know the rules of formal etiquette and business etiquette, it’s wise to learn them.
• Hosts with good manners don’t embarrass their guests.
• A social invitation requires a response. That’s all there is to it.
• To RSVP shows good manners, good business, consideration, breeding and respect.
• The idea is always to introduce the “less important” person to the “more important” person.
• The most important thing is that people know you want them to meet one another.
• People like to be remembered—by name.
• Fewer people write thank-you notes these days. In fact, they seem to be almost rare. But it’s an extremely gracious gesture and one that is appreciated and memorable.
• When we take the time to personalize our notes, we distinguish ourselves from the crowd and become memorable.
• Manners are a combination of common sense and kindness.
• Good manners equal good business.
• Being approachable is just as important as approaching others, and a smile and eye contact are essential.
• The first rule: Do not sit with people you know.
• The second rule: Be the table host. Introduce yourself to the group at the table and ask the others to go around the table and do the same.
• Spouses who attend office parties should be treated as individuals in their own right and not just as appendages of the person who works with you.
• Be mindful of how you talk to your own spouse.
• People do business with people they know, like and trust. Again, etiquette, manners and courtesy are the keys.
• When we are having a good time, our enthusiasm generates enthusiasm in others. They want to be around us, to do business with us and to contribute to our causes.
• Caveat: We cannot know people in sixty seconds. Unfortunately, technology has foisted us into a split-second society. We make snap judgments.
• the first reason to attend any reunion is to reunite, reconnect and have fun.
• Remember, the best way to overcome self-consciousness is to concentrate on making others feel comfortable.
• Identify the people to whom you definitely want to talk, but be open to serendipity.
• If you can laugh at whatever gaffes or goofs you make, people will be more comfortable with you.
• Reunions are a wonderful networking opportunity both for friends and for business associations—but only if you follow up.
• If invited to a reunion, go. These are people with whom you have a common bond; a place to start the conversation. You never know where it will lead.
• Remember: Avoiding a hospital visit, memorial service or funeral because we are concerned about our discomfort is unacceptable.
• Trade shows and conventions are the Olympics—the supreme test of your ability to work a room or, more accurately, many rooms.
• Regardless of your role at the event, preparation is crucial. It should start long before you get on the plane.
• Make sure you are facing the trade show traffic. Never should booth staff have their back to the attendees. Nor should they be so engaged in conversation with each other that they inadvertently ignore attendees.
• The best way to end the conversation is to initiate a handshake, thank the person for coming to the booth and offer some literature and your card.
• Miscommunication can make for uncomfortable situations. Be conscious of the verbal and nonverbal messages you send. Be clear about what you want and what you don’t want.
• In this day and age of YouTube and Instagram, we must be careful about behaviors that can be recorded, uploaded and viewed by thousands.
• Remember: A spouse or significant other can put in a good word on your behalf or a word that isn’t!
• Unless someone asks to look at more of the photos on your phone, stick to five and put it away!
• Rule of thumb: Avoid using any gadget that has a distracting light when in a darkened theater or room not only because the light is disturbing but also because it’s downright rude.
• Be very careful multitasking while you drive or walk. You could get hurt or get a ticket.
• Newsflash: The workplace has always held occupants of varying ages. And the young entering the workplace rooms have always had new and different skills and mind-sets.
• Because only the incompetent think they know everything, it’s not embarrassing to admit a missing skill set.
• “Talk to those different from you . . . as you would talk to those who are like you!”
• We have more in common than not. Respect and focus on those commonalities and celebrate the differences.
• Be nice to everyone! You never know from where or when the next job, client, tickets to the play-offs or friend will come!
• It’s good business and good behavior to be open to all people.
• It’s a fact of life: People who know how to work a room create more opportunities, produce more results and have more fun.
• The point is to extend yourself to people, be open to whatever comes your way and in the process, have a good time.
• We all have multiple opportunities to meet people anywhere in the world we happen to be. Even if it’s only for a brief moment, a pleasant exchange can make their day or yours.
• It’s a small world after all. You never know where the conversation will lead or which people can help lead it.
• Choosing our words wisely is . . . wise.
• How we speak to people in public can be overheard.
• Don’t wait; initiate.
• Casual conversation can contribute to our base of contacts and business—and pleasure.
• Chance encounters can change our lives.
• Seize the moment. You’ll be glad you did.
• The best benefits life has to offer are relationships with other people.